Here Comes the Flood
Good morning from a tired, gleeful me. I’m coming up for air for a second to reflect on my first few weeks back in Boston since being out west. Since coming home, I’ve hit the ground running in every sense.
Back are the days of nearly every minute being accounted for and being stretching myself physically, mentally, and creatively. Back to classes, back to work, back to run-training. This feels different from the fall semester though. I felt really avoidant of writing music, despite that being the actual degree I’m pursuing. I… thought about it a lot. I came up with some ideas. I had a “concept of a plan!” (Ha). I made some sketches and drafts. I mean, that is all part of the process, to be fair. But I still felt stuck somehow.
I don’t know what exactly has changed. Perhaps it was my trip out west, getting out of the routine, remembering where I’m coming from (Oregon, my home for 13 years) and getting excited about where I’m going (I’ll be heading back west this summer to hike the PCT), and feeling inspired by all of that. Besides that, the only obvious thing I can think of is that a lot of my projects have due dates. I hate time-induced pressure on creative pursuits, but actually, I’m convinced I would never finish anything without it.
In the months I essentially produced nothing, my studio teacher told me I was in the “gathering phase”. At first glance I wasn’t sure if I believed her, and thought maybe she was just being nice. Being in a “gathering phase” feels just as much of a cop-out as my “concept of a plan”.
But lately ideas seem to be pouring out of me, and I’m not dragging my feet about getting it down on paper. In fact, I feel excited every day to draft, sketch, and create, and it doesn’t feel like impending doom. In my worst moments, I feel that I hate being a composer, and think that maybe it isn’t for me. It’s too hard. It’s too open-ended. There’s no structure. You just dream up things out of thin-air. I’d like it to be as simple as starting at the beginning of a trail and going until you reach the end. Or sitting down and learning a new song on the piano. All you have to do is read a piece of paper and play it, slowly at first, until you get it in your fingers (I’m simplifying, but still).
But wow, the thrill I feel from saying something exactly how I mean to say it, and delighting from how it sounds, then taking it a step further and expanding the idea and seeing it to fruition. There’s nothing like it. I’ve been on a bit of a high this week as I’ve been riding the creative momentum. Yesterday I began a new project (a three-part canon), finished it five hours later, and realized I was so focused that I hadn’t stopped even to eat or drink or leave my piano at all. I think I’m finally starting to get it, and figure out my process. Writing doesn’t have to be scary.
In the meantime, I’ve been getting out for a lot of early morning and late evening runs, and I’ve been sticking to my spring goal of speed work once a week. Last week and this week I met a group to run loops around the Harvard Stadium before dawn, in the freezing cold. Each loop is 1200 meters. Last week my paces were around 6:18ish per mile, this week my paces were around 5:50ish per mile. I don’t know what happened between last week and this week, but it seems like things are just clicking in every aspect.
And another exciting tidbit: this weekend, I got out in the Fells in the fresh snow to test out a pack from Mountain Hardwear that I plan to use on the PCT.
Life is very full, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. My brain is constantly spinning with to-do’s and places I need to be, but as I’ve said before, I really feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. Full steam ahead!
Oh and in some new exciting news: I’ll be speaking at the Run Boston Expo on Saturday, March 1st at 12:45pm at the Inspiration Stage, on behalf of Appalachian Mountain Club! Please come by to see my talk and say hello!
You also don’t want to miss my orchestral composition debut, Wildwood, premiering Saturday, March 29th, 7pm at Arts at the Armory in Somerville, MA (free tickets here).
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